Just after Thanksgiving, I traveled to Thailand. Nearly a year ago, I gladly accepted the invitation to one of my favorite countries on the planet, but as the time approached I found it hard to tear myself away from my loved ones, celebrating my favorite holiday. The journey was long and challenging, an exercise in patience, compassion and surrender.

I travel to teach, learn, shake out habits and numbness, and create new rituals. (Salad for breakfast is my new favorite.)

I also do it to encounter people completely different than me, or those I choose to be around.

This is a women’s only retreat.

I am immediately reminded that women are especially good at hating each other. Perhaps because we’re especially good at hating ourselves. I see it every time I notice another woman eyeing me suspiciously or disdainfully. And certainly when I catch myself doing the same.

One particular woman reveals how challenged I am by people who can’t find stillness or peace, who are constantly anxious and frenetic. Each time I experience that button-pushing aversion, I am given the opportunity to see what is calling for love and compassion – that part within me that I have not allowed space, light and expression. When I can lift the veil of judgment and aversion, that is.

It is raining fiercely outside the yoga studio windows. The sound outcompetes anything the 22 moving, breathing bodies could create. Outside, everything is grayish white. It makes me emotional, as if I want to match the sky’s sobs with my own.

It is the kind of rain that is so intense, you know it cannot last. But for now, the message is sufficient and clear. I am drenched by how hard life can feel, and how many difficulties I’ve created for myself by resisting, by denying and by judging.

The rain is my model today. She says, “It’s time to wash yourself clean of that which does not serve.”

• I see the false protection of rejecting others before they reject me.
• I see myself allowing disturbance to consume me.
• I see the repression of my own facets that I do not find acceptable, and then judging others for the same.

There are entire schools of psychology and spirituality dedicated to this analysis, or Shadow Work. When we integrate all our cast-off parts, the complex system that is ‘you’ tends to work much more efficiently. And painlessly.

But you cannot integrate what you haven’t acknowledged is there. So the first step is to see.

A Practice

The following questions are the first steps to understanding what triggers you. There are no right or wrong answers. Let’s allow the power of the inquiry to fertilize the bloom of your awareness and healing.

You can ask these questions during a peaceful time, maybe with a journal ready to capture the answers. You can ask these questions when the bear-trap of disturbance has a hold on you. Just ask.

• What do you see in others or the world that bothers you?
• What personality types make you bristle?
• When do you fee disgust?
• What is the personality of the parent you admired? The parent you feared? (Mine: cool and calm vs. erratic and enraged)
• When do you feel the most judged?

A full, rich life is full of hard and messy parts. Perhaps it is our job to learn to navigate the obstacles with grace, and not compound them with our own resistance and loathing.

Be nice to yourself today. You deserve it.