For the past several months, maybe even years, I’ve been sitting in the waiting room of creativity and inspiration, wondering when my name would be called. I’ve kept myself pretty well entertained with the magazines and people watching, but there have been moments of boredom, impatience and downright indignation about how long it was taking. Didn’t they realize I had things to do? I had really big and important plans and just needed a bit of their help. Why couldn’t they just be ready when I was?

Alas, the surrender to powerlessness is never fun. We want what we want when we want it, even if that includes ideas, inspiration and guidance. Standing still, or even walking aimlessly, feels really terrible when all the cells of your body are screaming, ‘Don’t just do something… do something great!!!’.

There is lots of time to ponder here, to fantasize about what lies inside. It’s not my first time, but I know better than to think I have any idea what’s in store for me this time around. I always got what I needed, if not what I wanted, but one could never be sure… I wanted this time around to be the best, most powerful, most transformative.

In college, I belonged to a chemical engineering fraternity (yes, my inner geek is showing). I was never much of a joiner, but this group called themselves The Alchemists, and that was interesting. I had always loved the stories of the greatest thinkers and wizards applying all their tools to the transformation of lead into gold. To take something raw and plain and undefined and turn it into something precious and valuable and beautiful would be the trick of a lifetime. At the time, I clearly believed in the possibility of taking the lump of clay of my young life and turning it into a sculpture of such unspeakable magnificence that the world would fall to its knees. It was a time of open doors and possibility, one of many I’ve had in my life.

The next waiting room visit would take place just a short while later, as I decided to leave my doctoral program, disillusioned with the politics and bureaucracy of higher education. Everything from dancing professionally to going to law school crossed my mind. I was still young, even smarter and unbounded. It was a time so full of outer experience that I could feel myself growing to accommodate my expanded being-ness. Important decisions had to be made, by me as a powerful adult and no longer as a scared and tentative child. I was given a big dose of ‘you can do it!’ and a swift kick in the butt. Perfect.

I landed on a path that would take me through the next 15 years of my life, in the business and science of health. It challenged me intellectually and emotionally as I navigated the climb to the top. Upon getting close enough to touch it, all my goals within arm’s reach, I realized the view did not suit me at all. In fact, it made me want to take a flying leap off that ladder.

I had an internal sense of what I wanted, but no idea how to get there, or even what it was called. I was filled with passion about living a high quality life, with vibrant health, a clear mind and an open heart, without hiding or hypocrisy, without needing to be more than perfect. I wanted to enjoy, and not fear, the adventure. The desires from the very bottom of my soul began dancing with the rational and practical of my analytical mind, creating a feverish flurry of opportunities and experiences, successes and failures, which brought me once again to this room, to the doorway of my own truth.

Here, trying not to think, “AGAIN!!!”, I wait patiently (or not), for another go with the purveyors of clarity, creativity and direction. I am older, arguably wiser, and certainly more tired and jaded. I have experienced the magic of possibilities, and also the hard work of reality. I question my readiness and capability to use a set of skills I have never been taught and only uncovered through the most extreme excavation of my own inner dwelling. Will it be enough? Will I be enough?

All I have to offer the muse this time around is a long list of wants and not-wants, hoping she will perform the ultimate transformation (AGAIN!!!) of wishes into substance, pure and precious. My heart and mind and body exclaim:
I want to shout my stories from the tops of very tall buildings and whisper them lovingly into perched ears.
I want to show that a grand adventure of a life is made up of the mundane and messy as much as the transcendent and glorious.
I want to believe in the power of heart-filled words to move a soul from suffering or silence to song.
I want to be completely bare, feeling the warmth of the sun and the healing power of revelation.
I want to be seen and heard and loved.
I don’t want to ever feel cold and empty and purposeless.
I know I will not and cannot help everyone, and maybe not even myself, but I need to let what is on the inside, out.

Will the great alchemist hear me, bring inspiration to my experiment and send me on my way with a golden nugget in my hand?
I awaken from the prayer to something recognizable. Could it be my name I hear? Is it finally my turn? I leave all my large bags of expectation in the room and walk through the doors. My hand is reaching for yours. Will you join me?